The Broccoli Test

[andraste]

So I was talking to people about the Broccoli Test, i.e. the fandom meme where you try and work out if your OTP can successfully signal 'buy broccoli' to one another from opposite ends of the produce section. Most of my pairings either fail spectacularly or cheat wildly, but thinking it over I realised that I have one that could actually do this!



- Arvin bought broccoli without being asked because Jack likes it, but Jack will not eat it because he assumes this is an evil plot somehow. Meanwhile, the broccoli Irina got actually is part of an evil plot. Somehow.

- Londo and G'Kar end up screaming at each other from opposite ends of the produce aisle. Vir gets the broccoli.

- Avon knows exactly what Blake is trying to tell him with hand gestures, but pointedly ignores him. He can buy his own damn broccoli.

- Neither the Doctor nor the Master should be allowed in any supermarkets at all, on account of how they somehow always end up invaded by aliens and/or on fire. There is nothing edible left in the rubble.

- Diana Burnwood never needs to pantomime 'get broccoli' at 47. She put it on his list of objectives along with 'kill the evil billionaire who is in this supermarket for some reason' because being organised is her job. He gets the broccoli like the professional that he is, in between taking out two targets and changing clothes five times.

- Huntress wants broccoli. The Question knows that she wants broccoli. Unfortunately, this only leads to a ramble about GMOs, Glyphosate and government mind control vegetables and she has to get it herself.

- Javert pursues Valjean for twenty years because of broccoli crimes!

- The Sanzo Ikkou are not even going to make an attempt at this. Hakkai is not dumb enough to think that signalling 'get broccoli' to anyone else in the group is going to result in the correct vegetable being acquired, he'll just pick it up himself. Immediately behind him, Gojyo is complaining that he hates broccoli, Goku is whining that he wants meat buns instead and Sanzo is hitting them both with his fan.

- Obviously it's cheating to use telepathy for this ... and yet it doesn't matter, because Charles is so annoyed by Erik psychically shouting 'BUY BROCCOLI!' that this degenerates into an unrelated argument even though he also wanted broccoli. Nobody wins.

- ... and the pair that actually passes is ... Scarlett and Snake-Eyes from G.I. Joe! Their non-verbal communication skills are good enough for complex tactical discussions and they're not going to fight about trivialities instead of completing the mission. Snake-Eyes even manages to add 'also we need more dog food' with a single gesture.

Comments

[astrogirl]

I always find the Broccoli Test thing kind of weirdly amusing, because so few of the couples in my head seem remotely inclined to approach it the way it's intended. My version for the Doctor and the Master has always been more like "The Master knows perfectly well that the Doctor wants broccoli, but instead of grabbing it, he casually destroys all the broccoli in the store just to spite him." But your point is an excellent one. It's definitely not just the broccoli that's going to be in danger here.

[andraste]

Yeah, to me most of the fun is in working on what specific way each pairing completely fails to get any broccoli. 'The Master deliberately destroys all the broccoli' is also a very plausible outcome, especially if we're talking about a Missy and Twelve situation where the idea is to mess with the Doctor as obnoxiously as possible.

[lilacsigil]

Charles and Erik: perfectly normal discussion devolves into an endless philosophical argument. Every. Time.

[andraste]

I feel like the only reason Krakoa ever got to its launch point is that Moira was there to tell them both to shut up and get back to the actual point every time they got distracted by this tendency.

[silverflight8]

Lmao broccoli crimes
Do you think stealing a head of broccoli would be more or less serious than a loaf of bread?

[andraste]

Hmmmmmm, I think this probably depends on how fancy the bread is.

What if he stole bread and broccoli? That would be twice as bad! (Also I bet his nieces and nephews would have complained that broccoli is not a good sandwich ingredient.)

[greenygal]

Early on, Phoenix has absolutely no idea what Edgeworth is trying to convey; he would instead wind up purchasing some completely unrelated and unexpected food that was absolutely not part of Edgeworth's very carefully planned menu, and yet somehow, infuriatingly, makes it better. Later on, Phoenix knows perfectly well that Edgeworth wants broccoli, but deliberately and obviously picks something else for the sheer joy of baiting Edgeworth into a heated argument in the middle of the produce section.

[andraste]

This is hilarious and also exactly what would happen. I imagine that by late in the series it's gotten to the point where anyone else with them just rolls their eyes and wonders off to pick up milk or something, knowing they will sort it out eventually but not before a lot of pointing and yelling 'OBJECTION!' about vegetables.

[labingi]

Love this!

[andraste]

Thank you!