Starscream's Sexy Report Cards
Jan. 13th, 2008 05:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
andrasteWhile context is for the week, I should probably explain that one day ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
apathocles, saltedpin and I decided that, back in the day, Starscream made up his mind which faction to join by having sex with everyone he could find. The Decepticons turned out to be better in bed, so he turned to evil - but not before giving a scathing report cards to a couple of dozen Autobots. Over fifty comments worth of Starscream sex00ring everything in sight resulted.
Anyway, I thought these well worth collecting outside Ap's locked journal. If anyone else wants to contribute by adding some characters we neglected to the list, feel free. Starscream seems to have time travelled in order to have sex with characters who didn't exist until after he died, so don't let plausibility constrain you.
Special new bonus ratings tacked onto the end by yours truly!
Bumblebee: Tried hard, but completely useless. Highly doubt has done this sort of thing before. Made unappealing squeaking noises.
Ironhide: Fell asleep.
Mirage: Seemed very keen on having me dress up like a schoolboy and paddle him. Sadly, that's all he wanted to do. Stories about swank public schools obviously true.
Sunstreaker: Bitched constantly about how he couldn't see his own reflection clearly enough in my paintwork.
Tracks:Out-fabuloused me. Is a whiny pain in the aft with delusions of being vaguely attractive.
Spike: Went catatonic before I even got to the superheated orifice probes. Utterly useless.
Jazz: Our concepts of 'mood music' differ vastly.
Cliffjumper: Points on for being aggressive, points off for being unable to reach anywhere interesting.
Blurr: About what you would expect.
Wheelie: Inventive, but I dislike having to turn off my audials during interface.
Sideswipe: Pile-drivers are only acceptable during intimate moments when I'm not on the receiving end.
Optimus Prime: If you read the list of Things That Should Never, Ever Be Heard During Interface (Or At Any Time), I am reasonably confident that 'Orgasmotron: ROLL OUT!' is at the top of that list.
Hound: Incorporeal nature of holograms useless in terms of fulfilling gangbang fantasies.
Red Alert: Difficult to have satisfactory interface with someone who is obviously pretending it isn't happening.
Jetfire: ... wait a minute...
Warpath: On the one hand, has large canon. On the other hand, compulsion to yell out 'ZOWIE!' in the middle very distracting.
Rodimus Prime: Was forced to gag him after the first ten minutes of listening to him whine about not being good for anything. Cannot disagree with this assessment.
Huffer: Oh, please. Even I have standards.
Dinobots: I don't even want to talk about it.
Inferno: Would have been better if didn't end by spraying all over me.
Hoist: Wanted to bring Grapple. Ended up ignoring me entirely. Unbelievable.
Ratchet: someone should tell him medical jargon =/= dirty talk.
Beachcomber: Needs to wash every so often. Damn hippie.
Trailbreaker: Didn't even think to use his forcefield. I shudder to think about the standards at the factory he came from.
Wheeljack: It's hard to interface with someone when they blew all their interesting parts off earlier in the day. (Also, I totally could've told you that plutonium was overkill. Moron.)
OR
Wheeljack: Home-made sex toy exploded at very unfortunate time.
Seaspray: Sounds like his mouth is full of water because his mouth is full of water. Revolting.
Prowl: Aft too tight to actually accomplish anything. Primus Almighty, how does he excrete his wastes?
Omega Supreme: It's hard to stay enthused when your partner calls out someone else's name. Six someone else's names, to be precise.
Powerglide: Head too pointy. Will be paying for my new optic.
Kup: Spent entire time telling boring stories about mechs he interfaced with millions of years ago.
Skids: Made appointment, then completely failed to show up.
Arcee: Had confusing non-standard equipment.
Smokescreen: Gambled away his interface port for some magic beans. THAT'S IT, I'M JOINING THE DECEPTICONS.
We kind of forgot Cosmos, Perceptor, Windcharger, Blaster, Gears, Brawn, Ultra Magnus, the Aerialbots, the Protectobots, Bluestreak, Sparkplug, and a billionty characters from Season Three.
Anyway, a few Decepticons and such:
Ramjet: Headbutting - not sexy in any context.
Shrapnel: Does everything twice. Two thumbs up.
Frenzy and Rumble, or possibly Rumble and Frenzy: Distracted by spending whole time trying to work out which one was which.
Ravage: Still trying to buff scratches out of my chassis.
Unicron: Took exception when I yelled 'Primus!' at an inopportune moment. Will need to acquire new body before further research can be conducted.
apathocles, saltedpin and I decided that, back in the day, Starscream made up his mind which faction to join by having sex with everyone he could find. The Decepticons turned out to be better in bed, so he turned to evil - but not before giving a scathing report cards to a couple of dozen Autobots. Over fifty comments worth of Starscream sex00ring everything in sight resulted.Anyway, I thought these well worth collecting outside Ap's locked journal. If anyone else wants to contribute by adding some characters we neglected to the list, feel free. Starscream seems to have time travelled in order to have sex with characters who didn't exist until after he died, so don't let plausibility constrain you.
Special new bonus ratings tacked onto the end by yours truly!
Bumblebee: Tried hard, but completely useless. Highly doubt has done this sort of thing before. Made unappealing squeaking noises.
Ironhide: Fell asleep.
Mirage: Seemed very keen on having me dress up like a schoolboy and paddle him. Sadly, that's all he wanted to do. Stories about swank public schools obviously true.
Sunstreaker: Bitched constantly about how he couldn't see his own reflection clearly enough in my paintwork.
Tracks:
Spike: Went catatonic before I even got to the superheated orifice probes. Utterly useless.
Jazz: Our concepts of 'mood music' differ vastly.
Cliffjumper: Points on for being aggressive, points off for being unable to reach anywhere interesting.
Blurr: About what you would expect.
Wheelie: Inventive, but I dislike having to turn off my audials during interface.
Sideswipe: Pile-drivers are only acceptable during intimate moments when I'm not on the receiving end.
Optimus Prime: If you read the list of Things That Should Never, Ever Be Heard During Interface (Or At Any Time), I am reasonably confident that 'Orgasmotron: ROLL OUT!' is at the top of that list.
Hound: Incorporeal nature of holograms useless in terms of fulfilling gangbang fantasies.
Red Alert: Difficult to have satisfactory interface with someone who is obviously pretending it isn't happening.
Jetfire: ... wait a minute...
Warpath: On the one hand, has large canon. On the other hand, compulsion to yell out 'ZOWIE!' in the middle very distracting.
Rodimus Prime: Was forced to gag him after the first ten minutes of listening to him whine about not being good for anything. Cannot disagree with this assessment.
Huffer: Oh, please. Even I have standards.
Dinobots: I don't even want to talk about it.
Inferno: Would have been better if didn't end by spraying all over me.
Hoist: Wanted to bring Grapple. Ended up ignoring me entirely. Unbelievable.
Ratchet: someone should tell him medical jargon =/= dirty talk.
Beachcomber: Needs to wash every so often. Damn hippie.
Trailbreaker: Didn't even think to use his forcefield. I shudder to think about the standards at the factory he came from.
Wheeljack: It's hard to interface with someone when they blew all their interesting parts off earlier in the day. (Also, I totally could've told you that plutonium was overkill. Moron.)
OR
Wheeljack: Home-made sex toy exploded at very unfortunate time.
Seaspray: Sounds like his mouth is full of water because his mouth is full of water. Revolting.
Prowl: Aft too tight to actually accomplish anything. Primus Almighty, how does he excrete his wastes?
Omega Supreme: It's hard to stay enthused when your partner calls out someone else's name. Six someone else's names, to be precise.
Powerglide: Head too pointy. Will be paying for my new optic.
Kup: Spent entire time telling boring stories about mechs he interfaced with millions of years ago.
Skids: Made appointment, then completely failed to show up.
Arcee: Had confusing non-standard equipment.
Smokescreen: Gambled away his interface port for some magic beans. THAT'S IT, I'M JOINING THE DECEPTICONS.
We kind of forgot Cosmos, Perceptor, Windcharger, Blaster, Gears, Brawn, Ultra Magnus, the Aerialbots, the Protectobots, Bluestreak, Sparkplug, and a billionty characters from Season Three.
Anyway, a few Decepticons and such:
Ramjet: Headbutting - not sexy in any context.
Shrapnel: Does everything twice. Two thumbs up.
Frenzy and Rumble, or possibly Rumble and Frenzy: Distracted by spending whole time trying to work out which one was which.
Ravage: Still trying to buff scratches out of my chassis.
Unicron: Took exception when I yelled 'Primus!' at an inopportune moment. Will need to acquire new body before further research can be conducted.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-14 10:11 pm (UTC)PS: Re earlier post... Arcee rules, and was my first ever Transformer toy, and Black Arachnia was the shit in Beast Wars. I just wish there were more, that's all.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-27 01:41 pm (UTC)PS: Re earlier post... Arcee rules, and was my first ever Transformer toy, and Black Arachnia was the shit in Beast Wars. I just wish there were more, that's all.
I vote the Transformers: Animated immediately bring in every female Transformer ever from every version of canon! And then invent new ones!
(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-16 03:08 pm (UTC)I approve!
(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-27 01:45 pm (UTC)The trouble with writing Decepticon report cards is that Starscream is likely to give some of them good ratings, and it's hard to think of things that are both positive and funny. Starscream insulting people is so much more fun!
I think we all know what finally won him over, though:
Megatron: Megatron is the most violent, selfish and ill-mannered mech it has ever been my displeasure to interface with. I must have him again immediately.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-17 11:27 pm (UTC)In the meantime, here's your photos:
http://img253.imageshack.us/img253/8902/imgp1556ij5.jpg
http://img145.imageshack.us/img145/6877/imgp1558gz9.jpg
http://img145.imageshack.us/img145/4289/imgp1559vt5.jpg
http://img145.imageshack.us/img145/5070/imgp1560ni3.jpg
http://img444.imageshack.us/img444/3068/imgp1561dt2.jpg
http://img403.imageshack.us/img403/2658/imgp1562kj9.jpg
http://img444.imageshack.us/img444/228/imgp1563dh5.jpg
http://img91.imageshack.us/img91/619/imgp1566lq8.jpg
http://img115.imageshack.us/img115/3228/imgp1568es0.jpg
http://img115.imageshack.us/img115/3673/imgp1574mr9.jpg