Speaking of which, here's Starscream's grading of the Autobots (sorry it took me so long to do this):

Cosmos, Perceptor, Windcharger, Blaster, Gears, Brawn, Ultra Magnus, the Aerialbots, the Protectobots, Bluestreak, and most characters from series three GET NO LOVE. And anyone else we forgot.

Bumblebee: tried hard, but completely useless. Highly doubt has done this sort of thing before. Made unappealing squeaking noises.

Ironhide: fell asleep.

Mirage: Seemed very keen on having me dress up like a schoolboy and paddle him. Sadly, that's all he wanted to do. Stories about swank public schools obviously true.

Sunstreaker: Bitched constantly about how he couldn't see his own reflection clearly enough in my paintwork.

Tracks: Out-fabuloused me Is a whiny pain in the aft with delusions of being vaguely attractive.

Spike: Went catatonic before I even got to the superheated orifice probes. Utterly useless.

Jazz: our concepts of 'mood music' differ vastly.

Cliffjumper: points on for being aggressive, points off for being unable to reach anywhere interesting.

Blurr: about what you would expect.

Wheelie: Inventive, but I dislike having to turn off my audials during interface.

Sideswipe: Pile-drivers are only acceptable during intimate moments when I'm not on the receiving end.

Optimus Prime: If you read the list of Things That Should Never, Ever Be Heard During Interface (Or At Any Time), I am reasonably confident that 'Orgasmotron: ROLL OUT!' is at the top of that list.

Hound: incorporeal nature of holograms useless in terms of fulfilling gangbang fantasies.

Red Alert: difficult to have satisfactory interface with someone who is obviously pretending it isn't happening.

Jetfire: ... wait a minute...

Warpath: on the one hand, canon. On the other hand, yelling out 'ZOWIE!' in the middle very distracting.

Rodimus Prime: was forced to gag him after the first ten minutes of listening to him whine about not being good for anything. Cannot disagree with his assessment."

Huffer: oh, please. Even I have standards.

Dinobots: I don't even want to talk about it.

Inferno: would have been better if didn't end by spraying all over me.

Hoist: wanted to bring Grapple. Ended up ignoring me entirely. Unbelievable.

Ratchet: someone should tell him medical jargon =/= dirty talk.

Beachcomber: Needs to wash every so often. Damn hippie.

Trailbreaker: Didn't even think to use his forcefield. I shudder to think about the standards at the factory he came from.

Wheeljack: It's hard to interface with someone when they blew all their interesting parts off earlier in the day. (Also, I totally could've told you that plutonium was overkill. Moron.)

OR

Wheeljack: home-made sex toy exploded at very unfortunate time.

Seaspray: sounds like his mouth is full of water because his mouth is full of water. Revolting.

Prowl: Aft too tight to actually accomplish anything. Primus Almighty, how does he excrete his wastes?

Omega Supreme: It's hard to stay enthused when your partner calls out someone else's name. Six someone else's names, to be precise.

Powerglide: Head too pointy. Will be paying for my new optic.

Kup: spent entire time telling boring stories about mechs he interfaced with millions of years ago.

Skids: made appointment, then completely failed to show up.

Smokescreen: Gambled away his interface port for some magic beans. THAT'S IT, I'M JOINING THE DECEPTICONS.